Miss one thing missing

Today I thought about 15 years ago about my life. At that time I really didn't understand what real life meant. All I know is, go to school between father and go home alone. I think life will remain like that. I think life will still be as sweet as that.
But when I began to reflect in those memories, I felt that I really lost my life. Sometimes memories are self-rotated like soundless movies. Did i miss that? Honestly i hate all my family members without exception including myself.

15 years ago there was someone who left me, he never knew the pain he had made could never be cured. forever imprint. Tonight I pulled the wound back, trying to pay attention to the scars. just seeing it made me feel home. Chaotic. My mother once asked "why did I never miss home?" I want to answer, because there are no people I have been looking for so far. But that will hurt her.
I don't know how to thank my mother. She often scared me of losing it. but there is nothing I can do. sometimes I want to tell the cruel world to me, how I live, and how when I want to go home but I don't know who, when I want to run but I have no purpose.

Someday when I lose it, when she leaves me, I will realize that she is not the one who left me, but I left her. I swear I am the one who will be most sorry when she leaves.
Dear mom. I really want to tell you everything. every time I need your help. But, I can not. Later I will hurt you too deeply. when I think when the world is only the two of us, I know you will take care of me, but I'm not sure I can take care of you. I hope my mom is dear to God. wherever you are.

Letter

I sent this letter to my mom. to remind last December.

Mom ... do you still remember when I asked for your help? I know you still remember. At that time I really needed your help, but you couldn't help me at all. Have you ever agreed to help me, but you'd rather listen to your other children than me. at that time, if only you wanted to help me, I would definitely be a person who truly lived.
I always remember your advice, 'give in to friends, but that doesn't mean being trampled on.' how do i say it, i've already become a loser trampled. I want to be angry with you, right now. because you can't help me. You never know the impact that you're doing will last for a long time.

all I know, I just want to live. I want to choose everything myself. but you never helped me. I honestly say that mom should not be naive, we are a broken family that for years will still be like that. I know why it all happened, because we all don't want to help each other.
I'm very angry right now, even I want to go berserk.

all night long I always remember during the dark night we cried together. You said we would pass everything together. I remember you were able to cure my longing for dad, I thought we would always be like that.
now I really need your help. but I know you won't help me because you don't understand. I also can't explain anything to you. but you should understand.

all the insults I have received from unexpected parties. can't you feel it? help me please!